One piece of advice....

Tonight my good friend Rachel came over for dinner. She has been with me through some ups and downs to say the least, and as I looked at her, my heart ached (maybe ached isn't the right word, but dropped, or had an odd sensation at the sight of her.) I haven't seen her in a couple of months, and she is currently "baking" Miles' new friend, baby Jay, in her tummy....and for those of your who have ever seen a pregnant lady, you know a couple of months makes a big difference. She looked beautiful, and I am obviously aware of her pregnancy, and yet the sight of her caused a reaction in the pit of my stomach.

Thinking about it later (as is evidenced by the fact that I have been tired since 8, but unable to shut my mind down for the night and it is currently almost 11) I think I can provide some reason to this reaction. Right now, two years ago I was in the process of losing our first baby. It is hard to believe that two years has passed since that awful, ugly time in my life, but a time that I now realize needed to happen for some personal growth and other reasons which need not be detailed in a single blog post at nearly midnight, but I digress.....

Following our miscarriage seeing a pregnant person, hearing the word "pregnant", for a time even leaving the house at the risk of seeing a woman in a shirt that made her look fat was enough to cause me to become nearly a home-bound insomniac. Nine months passed, and shortly before our first baby would have been born I found myself pregnant again. This time, things were different. The bliss and excitement I experienced in the first four weeks of knowing a baby was on the way were stolen from me and replaced by fear, anxiety, and nine months of nervousness. Things looked okay with Miles pregnancy, but every twinge, every ache, every single thing made me fear the worst. I can't say I enjoyed the pregnancy, it was a fearful time for me. And then August 31st rolled around and in the wee morning hours my life changed.

Our son entered the world and I was given everything. Sometimes the miscarriage seems a distant memory, a bad dream, and yet as my heart dropped in the kitchen seeing Rachel, I suppose it was a reminder that some memories and hurt will always be there from that experience.

As a historian, I know that events of our past shape both our present and our future, but sometimes in the day-to-day grind you forget about hurts of the past, move on, pretend they didn't happen. And then a momentary reminder is delivered, and you remember. I will be sure to hold Miles a little bit tighter tonight, hug him a little bit extra, and tell him how much I love him and how lucky I am to be his mommy.

I should be sleeping.....

and yet, on a night like tonight, it just won't happen. For unknown reasons, my mind is not quiet tonight. I have had great intentions with this blog since Miles was born, but you will see that great intentions don't add up to much. For 9 months, all I wanted was to be pregnant. And then it happened, and I think the end sight was a baby in my arms. A tiny baby. The reality has exceeded my expectations and blown my mind in more ways than I ever could have imagined in my entire life, or perhaps even beyond. That tiny baby came home from the hospital. There were many nights of "my nineteen books aren't telling me what to do right now." and "Does the hospital let every parent as stupid as me take their baby home?!" So much adjustment has to happen, so many changes that I could not fill a library and have it all written down. The amount of love I have for this little boy is unexplainable. The way I feel about my husband having made this amazing child with him and having the privilege and honor to rear this child - also unexplainable.

And yet, most days I feel overwhelmed, spread thin, burned out, and at the same time filled with joy and accomplishment. The post-partum issues took 4 months to come to a head and I would say another three months to feel back to myself (and yes, that really has only been in the last month.) That, coupled with many elements of my personality that have needed to shift to accommodate a child have left me with barely enough energy and time to brush my teeth, let alone blog. And yet, for some reason, tonight I felt somewhat driven, even getting out of bed to come across the house to the computer.

As I near my first Mother's Day I am struck with the fact that I AM A MOM. I am someone's mom. Wow, hold the phones, does that mean I am an adult now? I have had the privilege of befriending an entire family down here. I met the mom in my Moms n' More group. Then I have gotten to know the kids. Especially as I speak with the teenage daughter, I sometimes feel like it was only a little bit ago that I was pumped up for my 16th birthday, I was so antsy to get my license. And now, to her I am like a responsible adult. The idea, when I let it sink in is funny to me.

More babies have entered the world in the last 8 months with more to come. Miles has a few new friends currently "baking" - this is odd to me. I think somewhere in my head I always thought Miles would be the little baby and I would always be the new mom. I recently found myself in the aisle of my favorite baby store advising two new moms on some products that I found especially helpful. Wait, do you mean that somewhere along the way I became an experienced mom? Yes, I think so.

I know what his cries mean, he comes to me, I am his mom......and what a blessing this little boy is. This little boy who now crawls, pulls up, stands on things, gets in to things, and has his very own distinct personality.

I know, I know

I am fully aware that my performance on this blog has been nothing less than unacceptable, but I am not going to do anything about it right this minute.

For now, I am just going to post the link to our "YouTube" channel for Mr. M.