Oh good grief, the last few days have been tough (in case you haven't been able to tell from a series of crazy facebook posts, crazy blog posts, and for a few of you who just get to be that lucky - calls with "word vomit" spewing like wild fire).
Someday I am going to recognize some tendencies in myself. One of these "character traits" that I seem to posses is that I am not well suiting for "change" or "unknowns".....basically it boils down to faith and control issues, but it manifests in very real ways. I have some very real examples of myself not handling change very well....just a few are: going to college, getting married, moving, job changes, husband in school (you get the idea).
This being said, last week in the hospital clearly threw me for a loop. Go ahead and add in the fact that Nate beginning a "new" stage in medical school (one which I currently don't know what to expect all the time, every day) made for a BAD COMBO. Over the past few days, the only time I have even been mildly "holding it together" is when I have been very distracted or occupied. I know that this is a trial that I am going through to learn that on some level I need to learn to "self-soothe" in stressful situations. Even so, I can't expect for myself to just make up my mind that I am going to be awesome all the time and then live in that way.
Yesterday hopefully was the worst of it all. Nate told me on Monday night that Tuesday was going to be his first "on-call" day. He had told me over the weekend that it was going to be on Wednesday, and I was ok with that. I usually have a book club that I try to go to on Wednesdays, so I am occupied for at least a few hours. So when he informed me that it was actually Tuesday and not Wednesday - it was upsetting. (Stupid, I know - I am going to have to get used to these call days, but for some reason the first one being tossed my way when I wasn't prepared was not what I wanted). He left the house at 6:15ish, really before I am too "with it" in the morning. I got up at 7:15 and went out to get breakfast. The house was just too quiet. When we had cable, I would have just turned on the TV and it would have been fine, but I got all tense over the quiet - and then the realization hit me that Nate wouldn't be home for potentially 16 more hours. I went to work - but I was just in a tizzy and didn't want to be there. I couldn't focus or get anything done. I just felt like I was going to cry (which in case you didn't know, isn't very professional).
I wanted to go home. I left around noon and headed home. About 3 minutes from home I realized I DIDN'T want to go home (at this point, you should be picking up on the fact that at my core, I had NO IDEA of what I wanted) - I was worse than a toddler who says they want food, so you give them food, but it's not the food they want........snowball effect of badness.
I just wanted some company, but was too nervous to call anyone to sound all nutsy and ask for "help".......an e-mail of absolute desperation went out to my dear friend Sarah. Long story short, I was at her house by 4:00 and I just hung out and played with her and her little daughter Mia. It was just what I needed. That seemed to calm me enough to get through the rest of the day without Nate. In reality, his call ended about 8:00 instead of 10:00, so he was home by about 8:45. Also, my friend Shannon came over to see me for a bit, and this helped as well. Also, my dear Jenny called to "check on me" (at this point I realized what level of desperation I have been putting off on facebook for a few days - I am pretty darn transparent when I am super-stressed, even if some (ok, most) of the stress is pretty much self-imposed).
I know this doesn't sound good, but it was a bad day (or series of a few days) and I am feeling much better today. I am learning. It is a process. It was ok, it is ok, and it will be ok.....no matter what. If it is not ok at any given moment, it IS ok for me to call on a few of my friends and ask for the help I need.
Ok, that is enough for now........
These Bones, These Bones, Gonna Walk Around
3 days ago